ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
