Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
