i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
porn star boner night. come get it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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