It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
