I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize