i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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