I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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