did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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