he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
