So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
