Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
