the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
