i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
