sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
