btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
