I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
