someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
