So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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