Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
