Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize