I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
