Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
