And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
