He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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