i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
