Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
