Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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