she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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