i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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