Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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