Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
