We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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