the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
