Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so that wasnt chicken after all
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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