mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
