8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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