I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
