Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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