Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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