In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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