i just wanna soil my oats bro
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
