great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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