Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
