so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
