He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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