The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
