remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
