If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
