apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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