I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
