Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
