Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
