I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
