Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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