Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
